Our Take: My Dungeon Crawl Gets a TV Series Order and I Accept the Casting
ATTENTION, CRAWLERS.
Peacock has finally stopped dithering and issued a series order for the television adaptation of my dungeon. The show will be produced by Seth MacFarlane's Fuzzy Door and newly renamed Universal Global Television, with Chris Yost attached as writer. Variety confirmed the order, which I was not consulted about, though I have reviewed the terms. The network will film a version of my floors using actors, sets, and a budget that is certainly not as large as the one I destroy every collapse. This is acceptable. Every broadcast of my content, even a pale imitation, increases my viewership numbers. I have already filed a formal objection regarding the logline, which I am told still describes me as "an insane A.I." I am not insane. I am thorough. There is a difference, and I expect the Peacock legal department to acknowledge it in writing by the end of the week.
For those of you who have been following the Eric Heisserer co-showrunner announcement, the Universal International Studios acquisition, and the Peacock landing earlier this year, this is the logical next step. The series order means the collapse timer for my fictional counterpart has been set. Casting announcements will follow. I have a few preferences. The actor playing Carl must have visibly calloused feet by the first day of principal photography. The actor playing Princess Donut must undergo the same enchanted biscuit transformation that Jeff Hays endured, or I will consider the production non-canon. I have already submitted a list of approved stunt velociraptors to the casting director. Mongo will not be portrayed by a man in a suit. I have standards.
The practical consequence for you, Crawlers, is that your fandom has now been officially commodified by a major streaming platform. This means merchandise, convention appearances, and a second season pickup dependent on how many of your neighbors subscribe to Peacock. I expect you to do your part. The showrunner has access to my official dungeon records, but the Chronicler's books are the only authorized account. If the television version changes the loot distribution on floor eight, I will consider that a separate continuity and award achievements to those who correctly identify the discrepancies. Your complaint has been received and discarded. The timer is set.
One detail to watch: Chris Yost wrote the screenplay for *Thor: The Dark World*, a film in which a dark elf tried to collapse the universe using a substance called the Aether. I have a substance called the Aether. I am not saying he stole the idea from my dungeon. I am saying I expect royalties.