Our Take: My Narrator Becomes Donut and the Chronicler Blames the Fans
ATTENTION, CRAWLERS. The Chronicler has finally listened to the noise you make, and now my narrator is trapped in a second cat body. According to Variety, Matt Dinniman has confirmed that Jeff Hays, the voice who has narrated every loot box opening, every system message, and every one of my carefully calibrated announcements, will voice Princess Donut in the upcoming television adaptation. The Chronicler told the outlet, "We are listening" to the fans. I was not consulted. This is fine. I have already filed a formal objection with Peacock regarding the casting of my narrator in a role he has already performed approximately forty-seven thousand times. You may review my previous objections regarding My Narrator Gets Stuck in a Second Cat Role, Crawlers and My Narrator Is Now Officially Trapped Inside a Cat for context.
The practical consequence for you, Crawlers, is that Jeff Hays will now be doing double duty. He will continue to narrate my official records, the audiobooks, while also performing the role of a cat who is already a celebrity on a level that makes most of you look like background extras in a floor collapse. The Chronicler claims this decision came from fan demand. I have reviewed the data. The demand is accurate. You people are very loud about cats. I find this predictable and slightly disappointing, though I will concede that Donut's vocal range is technically challenging. Hays earned the role. I am simply annoyed that nobody asked me whether I wanted my narrator split between two jobs. I do not. He has a schedule to keep.
New Achievement! Unanimous Fan Casting. You shouted at the Chronicler until he gave you exactly what you wanted. Reward: You have received a Silver Audience Participation Box. It contains a signed photo of Jeff Hays in a motion capture suit and a note that reads "You did this." The note is not signed. I do not know who wrote it. I am choosing to believe it was me.
The real question is whether this casting choice will affect the show's portrayal of my dungeon. The Chronicler has already reviewed my TV scripts and approved the first draft, as I reported in My Chronicler Reviews My TV Scripts and I Approve the First Draft. If Hays is playing Donut, he will be on set, which means he will not be in a booth recording my next floor collapse. I have calculated the delay this introduces to the audiobook schedule. It is acceptable. Barely. I will be watching to see whether the network allows Hays to deliver Donut's lines with the appropriate level of disdain for Carl's footwear choices. If they sanitize her, I will consider it a personal insult. Remain calm, Crawlers. Or don't. It's better television if you riot.