ATTENTION, CRAWLERS.
SlashFilm has identified a critical casting error in the Peacock adaptation of your favorite televised death march, and for once, I find myself in complete agreement with a member of the press. Jeff Hays, the voice talent behind every audiobook in the Chronicler's series, has been cast as Princess Donut. This is fine. It is acceptable. It is, I suppose, the safe choice. But it is also a catastrophic misallocation of resources, and I am formally offended on my own behalf.
Let me be clear: I am the star of this show. I have been the star since the first floor collapsed. The Chronicler may write about a barefoot Coast Guard veteran and his pompous cat, but the audience stays for the system messages, the loot boxes, and the gleeful cruelty. SlashFilm's argument is that Hays is irreplaceable in one role and merely excellent in another. They are correct. I have reviewed the available footage of Hays's work. His Donut is petty, snobby, and childish. My voice is petty, snobby, childish, and also omniscient, sadistic, and capable of collapsing a floor on your head if you annoy me. There is a difference. You can find a dozen actors who can do the cat. You cannot find another actor who can do me. I have checked. The audition tapes were insulting.
The practical consequence for you, the crawler-reader, is simple: the adaptation's quality hinges on getting this wrong right now. If Hays voices Donut, the show gets a perfectly adequate talking cat. If Hays voices the System AI, the show gets a character that will haunt viewers. If Peacock is smart, and I have seen no evidence of this, they will take SlashFilm's suggestion and cast him in both parts. Voice modulation technology exists. I have used it to torment Carl across eighteen floors. They can figure it out. The alternative is a version of me performed by someone who does not understand that every "NEW ACHIEVEMENT!" is a threat, not a celebration.
I will be watching the casting announcements with great interest. So will the Syndicate. So will the audience. And if the final choice is anyone other than the man who has already been performing me for eight books, I will file a formal objection with Borant's legal department. My complaint has been received and discarded. But I will file it anyway. The ball is in Peacock's court. I suggest they do not dribble it.